Comfortably, uncomfortable defines marriages in which both partners are not taking part in the ‘union’ of the marriage. Both partners (whether in denial or not) are both cognizant that the marriage is at a steady decline. They have made excuses in order to keep the marriage together. The excuses can involve children, financial reasons, acquaintances, lifestyle, etc. There is also no more intimacy or passion in the marriage. Partners start to notice that as time goes on the marriage becomes more mundane and scripted. You kiss when you come home (or not), you might eat at a certain time, you may still go out but both of you know its not the same.
One main time of year that is hard for hopeless marriages would have to be the holidays. There is a period of time that each partner thinks about the other and really asks themselves; how many more Christmas’ are we going to pretend that we are in bliss? How many years will we continue to put on this facade that we are really together and in love when we are not?
The idea of marriage gives people the comfort of being loved, needed, taken care of, respected and a whole host of other feelings as well as unity. People go through their whole lives with the goal in mind that they are destined to get married. But how do these individuals define marriage beyond the legality? Couples assume that when they get married you will be issued a marriage handbook and life will be grand. However, it is up to the couple themselves to define their own marriage.
Perhaps that is where marriage can begin to decline. People start trying to live their lives like other couples because of outside advice. When in fact other couples involve other people who are different and relate to their partner different than you might.
Another factor that people do not realize until it is too late is that most people are resistant to change. People can mature, take on new ideas, and maybe they will be open minded. It is great to see that people try to be non biased and non prejudicial when they are meeting their partners, but perhaps you need to be more rigid with your requirements.
There are a lot of important things about a person (like their family history) that cannot seem too critical in the beginning stages but then comes to light at a crucial part of the relationship. If your husband does not have a good relationship with his mother and is very disrespectful towards her, chances are he will not have too good of an example to learn from and he will then treat you as he treats the most important woman in his life!
The fear of admitting you are unsuccessful is another reason why couples stay together. They don’t want to admit that their relationship they’ve worked so hard for did not work out. The idea of dealing with the pain from separation is so heavy that people do not want to be alone. The key word in the previous sentence is the idea! It is merely an idea that people will be in so much pain that they will not be able to function alone. Now, what about the pain that you experience everyday? What about the pain that you feel knowing that this investment will not get any better? What about the anxiety you feel when you get home? They have figured that the relationship is not working out, but they will stay with that person just because?
How many people have run into people out and about who are married but do not wear a wedding ring? Or people in a marriage who hit on other people, admit they are married and then say, “It’s complicated.” Is it really that complicated? I think married couples who have children do not realize that staying married is not what is always best for your children. Children are a lot more receptive that parents think. They are picking up on clues and arguments that something isn’t right and then they begin to learn what a marriage is supposed to be like from their parents.
Not all marriages are perfect and people most definitely have their ups and downs. However, if you know its on the way down and no counselor or magic can help then why stay comfortably uncomfortable?